131: Why Control Is Killing Your Leadership | Bodhi Aldridge

Transcript

Introduction to Bodhi Aldridge – Damon introduces Bodhi,highlighting his work in emotional intelligence and mindful leadership.

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what we saying diamond is the shift from the hustle to theflow the most effective leaders at least once a day

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have a reflective practice any of the listeners who arehesitant about reaching out for support the only way

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you can grow and learn are you stuck in leadership patternsthat leave you drained and

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disconnected the solution isn't working harder it's leadingdifferently Our Guest Today will'll show you how to

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shift from hustle to flow Breaking Free from burnout andbecoming more present and impactful leader welcome to the

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learn itall podcast the show for today's leaders who want toget ahead and stay ahead because we believe that great

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leaders aren't born or made they're constantly in the makingI'm your host Damon lmy two-time best-selling author

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and CEO of learn it a live learning platform that has helpedupskill over two million people over the past three

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decades today I'll be talking with bod Aldridge a Visionaryleadership coach who guides leaders worldwide on their

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quest to find their true Freedom helping them uncover theirinner magnificence and Achieve profound impact I'll be

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asking bod to share his insights on balancing masculine andfeminine energies in leadership creating

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psychological safety through compassion and why the secretto better leadership starts with 5 minutes of daily

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reflection so there's been a lot of focus rightfully so onempowering women

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in leadership and it's very necessary but what do you feelis

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crucial about addressing the unique challenges that maleshave when it comes to leadership yeah yeah as you know it's

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it's a topic that I do a lot of work in and I agree I feelyou know this

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imbalance has occurred and empowering women empowering thefeminine energy and

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all of us has been important and what I noticed is that alot of men and again

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you know we can talk about gender and masculine feminineenergy if we get a chance but a lot of men have kind of got

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a little bit lost and and if we look at it in the wordplacewe look at their careers their trajectory it's kind of

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because the sand shifted a lot and they're wanting to findtheir place how to show up fully as a leader and that's

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a lot of the work I do I feel it's really important to toget this balance right and what inspired you to get

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involved in this type of work I think one of the big shiftsyou know having done this work you know I was originally

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an attorney for 20 years and then I lent into leadershipcoaching and been doing that around the globe for over 20 years

The Foundations of Emotional Intelligence – Bodhi explainshow EQ serves as the cornerstone of effective leadership.

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and but one of the big shifts I saw when Co hit was I saw alot of men reaching out to get coaching from me um who was

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struggling you know who was struggling with their rolestruggling with their identity and struggling with their

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leadership and so that really Amplified my desire to supportmen in particular

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obviously work with women as well with teens and yeah Ithink if you look at it

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a lot of men feel very isolated a lot of men feel they'vegot to do it alone a lot of men think they're the only one

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going through it you know all the classic stereotypicaldiagnosis of you know um

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you know men 35 to 50 and when they realize they can getsupport when they

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realize there's a different way everything shifts for themspeaking about the challenges that you were seeing the struggles that men weregoing

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through during covid can you give me an example of what thatwas like and has that shifted at all since over the last

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four or five years well the biggest thing I know and I thinkthe stacks agree globally if you're working

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particularly if you're working in corporate um and you knoweven if you're a founder and an entrepreneur what we

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see is the biggest challenge for women yeah is adrenalfatigue so you know

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particularly women in the late 30s 40s the model for thefeminine has to go hard go hard go hard often they're

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juggling many many different things and literally theiradrenal start to give up

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um the challenge for men was more Mental Health becauseoften men compartmentalize often

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you know aren't sure how to share their emotions and thingsanxiety depression all of those things so that was what was

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presenting more and more you know for men as ageneralization I'd feel you know we know

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that Co was a catalyst for Change and choice we also knowthat a lot of organizations have reverted back to the

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old model so I would say there are Grand shits of change in

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leadership um whether it's organizational whether it'sindividual and I feel more and more manner

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realizing is there is a different way there is a differentway I can show up I can be a leader I can be a father

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husband whatever that might be what do you think are the twokeys to leadership

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yeah to me having you know worked in this space for a longtime the the simple definition of leadership for me

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is influence yeah if you think about for leadership orinformal leadership

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essentially a leader is influencing the system whether it'sa family system whether it's a community system whether

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it's a business and what we know in the studies are clearthat the two keys y to

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leadership are connection and Direction working with manymany

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organizations if you do any staff engagement and anyretention feedback

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forms or whatever the most satisfied team say I feel aconnection yeah with my line manager

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with my VP with the organization and and I'm really clear onmy direction I'm really clear on the

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expectations and for any aspiring leader if you can reallyunderstand that

Mindfulness in Leadership – Bodhi discusses why beingpresent is critical for leaders to connect authentically with their teams.

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connection starts with connection with self you've got to bewilling to get to

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know yourself to get present with yourself yeah and reallybe clear on your direction and then really be prec

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St with your communication one of the biggest feedbacks Ihear from teams and

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staff is that the gold poost keep moving all the timebecause nobody's really

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communicating the expectations and that's why this setup youknow I often say busyness is

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laziness if you're running the busy model and you've gotdownward pressure from senior SE Suite you've got upward

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pressure from your team and you're trying to do it throughthe busy model yet something will give

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your adrenal fatigue your mental health your relationshipsthere is another way and that's a big part of what I teach

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how to navigate leadership how to navigate entrepreneur whatwe're saying Damon is the shift from the hustle to

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the flow and it's entirely in your hands if you're willingto lean in can you go a little deeper on that explain to me

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what is the difference between the hustle and the flowfundamentally the model we've all seen and certainly my

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generation is that to get ahead it's all about Hustle it'sall about the push

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it's all about Working The Angles it's all about climbingthe tree it's all about yep I've got to do this got to do

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that got to get the VC money whatever it might be and youknow that's been the pervasive Paradigm that most people have

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experienced and it's exhausting you know and a certainpercentage get there and a

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certain percentage it comes at a cost now what we know isthat you know

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and there's been lots of studies obviously the last 15 yearsaround flow States in sport and um what they've

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identified is that energetically you can find a differentway to experience the

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day and there's essentially some simple tools which I teacharound embodied

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presence yep where you can start to recalibrate your nervoussystem recalibrate your energetic system your

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emotional system and start to experience the day much morein flow yep where you

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can set clear boundaries where you can create more spacewhere you can meet expectations without pushing without

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going hard now I know for some of the listeners they'd begoing you you need to talk to my CEO because that'll never

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work in my organization yep and the truth is there's lots ofstudies about

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middle management shifting culture without doing a big songand dance without having to get permission from

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the CEO very simple you know there was a large organizationin the US where one

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of the middle managers was involved in recruitment and hewas a young

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African-American gentleman and he realized that they didn'thave a lot of diversity this is going back about you

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know 15 20 years and without any song and dance without anyhooa he was he was

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involved recruitment for one Department he justintentionally started to select more diverse

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workers and within a 10-year period transformed the cultureof that business

The Power of Vulnerability – Bodhi shares how embracingvulnerability fosters trust and drives team performance.

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yeah and so if you're a middle manager thinking I don't havepower here yeah I'm not SE sweep yeah then just realize

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that you can influence the system you can manage your ownenergetic system and get your outcomes I'm not saying it's

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easy it's simple for me to talk about this takes commitmentit takes courage it takes willingness yet more and more

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we're seeing that even the middle in organization can shiftit you know we know the top down is one of the most

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powerful ways to shift culture yeah but please realize youcan influence the system if you're willing to do some some

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self- inquiry do you need to be more connected with yourselfin order to be more present yeah the biggest thing I

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see and this isn't just in the workplace and anyone withchildren teenage children yeah and you know one of the

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programs I run is called from distraction to present andwhat's occurred is that your

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biggest asset is your attention where your attention goesenergy

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flows and for most of us our attention is very scatteredyeah we're in this Western

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world where it's all about distraction we're beingdistracted the number of emails the social media the phone

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children on their computer games the busyness yeah and soonce you learn and

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these are very simple techniques 10 minutes a day to masteryour attention

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you know through the process of embodied presence whathappens is you realize

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that if I put my attention more on myself then I become moreconnected with

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myself and I can from that place connect more with my teamthe three pillars of

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leadership is self leadership relational leadership and

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systemic leadership and unless you Master self leadershipconnection with self being

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present with self yeah getting to know self yeah know howyou show up know the

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impact you have when you walk into a room know the impactyou have when you make decisions as a leader if you can

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master that and realize that you know we are energeticsystems we're not just pin heads

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thinking um then you can move into relational presencerelational leadership which is the studies are

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really clear yeah the most effective leaders it's all aboutthe relational

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field they create with their team and with the individualsand when I'm what I mean by that is that energetic click

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think about it for yourself man think about any leader thatyou've enjoyed working with any leader that you respired

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to yep usually they had a certain presence there was acertain connection there was a level of safety and

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vulnerability in that relationship you can cultivate thatfrom the inside out

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no matter where you are in an organization if you do thatyou'll naturally become more present more

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magnetic your communication will be clearer and because mostpeople are running the busy distracted model

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they're in their heads their head bubble yeah if yourattention is scattered your communication is scattered your team is

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scattered your outcomes are scattered your life is scatteredgood luck what is something that a relational leader does

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differently than somebody who's just like completelyscattered when you understand presence

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um and I'm not talking executive presence as it's beenbanded around the ability to be present with

Balancing Ambition and Authenticity – Bodhi reflects on howleaders can remain ambitious without losing sight of their values and purpose.

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yourself and what you realize is and I think the stats arethere you know 70%

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of communication in an organization is mopping upmiscommunication think about that email think about that um quick

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conversation you had think about that to-do list whereyou're thinking about everything but being present so one of

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the real outcomes I see with the clients I work with is yeahtheir communication

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is so much more clear yeah and there are simple tools that Iteach about really

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getting pres slowing it down really getting the other personto connect and

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understand with what you're communicating it saves so muchtime because again you know that people the

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email gets off your desk and suddenly it runs around theteam for three days yeah taking everybody's time if we had an app

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that could do a cost analysis of the time we waste withmiscommunication everybody body would be

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horrified so just that Al yeah that real clear and concise

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communication from the place of presence and connection is agame changer and I'm

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thinking about a bunch of my friends and myself busy leaderswho who are very

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distracted and they might say bod well 10 minutes a dayseems like an too much

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it's I I what is like the first thing they could do to justeven take it a

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smaller step than that yeah and what I'd say is busyness islaziness if you run on the busy model I

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know it's confronting y but the truth is because you know mygeneration I'm in my

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60s now my generation yeah busyness was a badge of honor ifI wasn't the busiest in the

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team if I didn't stay back the latest then I wasn't liftingmy weight yeah I

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wasn't contributing if you're running that badge of honorand think busyness is a measure of your productivity

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a measure of your impact and proving to everybody in theorganization I'm the

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busiest yeah then you're the Marty and you're going to burnout and you're

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lazy we know multitasking is the least effective way to runyour day the

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Neuroscience is clear one Interruption can take 20 minutesfor the

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brain to recalibrate and so if you can't find 10

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minutes a day yeah then you're lazy it's as simple as thatyeah and

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you're not serious about change you know as Einstein saidyou know definition of

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insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting adifferent result now to specifically answer your

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question fundamentally what presence and connection is isabout spending time

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with yourself yeah and I think that's a bigger challengeparticularly for the

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working parents because we get up we're on autopilot we gotto get the kids to

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school we got to get to work navigate the traffic the Trainthe tube whatever it might be yeah and it feels like I

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don't have time yeah and that's why one of the biggestchallenges for people is how do

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I find time you 10 minutes a day the reality is you have itand it's

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interesting and again we won't go into it when we talk aboutvalues your behavior is driven by your values what

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you value yeah you will do and so Daman if I offered you a

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million dollars to find 10 minutes a day for the next monthyeah would you do it absolutely exactly exactly and that's

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the challenge because the thinking mind 60,000 thoughts aday most of them are negative the thinking mind doesn't want

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to slow down the limited ego doesn't want to slow down it'sgoing to push it's going to kick it's going to scram

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it's gonna you don't have 10 minutes you can't do 10 minutesthis doesn't work for me this works for everybody else so you're going to makethat

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resistance yeah and the two trains that lead your houseevery morning yeah there's the flow train and the

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resistance train yeah which one do you want to get on bodit's hard to slow down you know it's hard it's easy to

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keep yourself busy and going and thinking and moving and umbut it makes

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a big difference if you can and and I heard you talk a lotabout the importance of reflection in the process

Lessons from Coaching Leaders – Bodhi provides actionableadvice for leaders based on his experiences coaching executives and teams.

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again if we look at education and learning and I know you doa lot in this space what we know is that again we

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everybody learns differently yet the fundamentals oflearning if you think about the the fundamentals of learning

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first is the education piece yeah we're given

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information so I could learn everything there is about howto run a podcast you but the next key is the

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application we learn through the experience I've got to runa podcast you know I could

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understand how to do it all think of anything you've done inyour life we learn through the

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application and so the learning process is educationapplication

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integration but the fundamental step in between isreflection so again if you look at a

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sporting analogy you know if you're a golfer yeah you go andhit the ball but

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unless you step back and reflect and go hang on a tick howcome I

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keep slicing it what's going on here this is why coachingmentoring is important because somebody can look at

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it and help you adjust otherwise you just keep hitting theballs and hope it's going to get

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better yep and so in life if you're not finding time toreflect and as a leader

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the studies are clear the most effective leaders yep atleast once a day have a

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reflective practice and what reflection means is the abilityyeah to really assess the way

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you've showed up or the way you want to show up and thatreflective practice can

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be sitting in the garden with a cup of coffee it can beprayer it can be contemplation it can be meditation

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nature these are all those to reflect you will not improvethe learning doesn't get embedded without

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reflection yeah the ability to look at what's happening andadjust anything you

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feel you need to adjust do you see a big difference betweenhow women go about it than men yeah if we jump into masculine

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feminine energy and I know it's a sensitive topic and justto just to give a little bit of um context for the

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listeners um all traditional cultures knew that runningthrough the universe

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running through nature were these different energies whichyou could label masculine energy or feminine

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energy yeah so it's not about gender we can talk aboutgender and gender

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fluidity and essentially the feminine energy the yin theYang you know

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masculine feminine however you want to describe it thefeminine energy through the universe

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the feminine energy in US is everything that flowseverything that moves and the

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Deep desire of the feminine energy is connection and loveconnection and love connection and love constantly in flow

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seeking connection of love the masculine energy is thatwhich Witnesses the

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feminine it's the Consciousness that Witnesses the feminineso the feminine is like the ocean it can be wild it can

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be calm it can be cool yeah and the masculine is like the

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mountain yeah another way to describe it is the river is thefeminine and the river banks is the masculine

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energy and so if if you take that into to us as

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humans most people are more in their feminine energy or themasculine energy

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you and it's different to feminine and masculine traitswhich is another conversation so to answer your question

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uh a woman who's in her feminine energy if you just a simpleexample if you look at the way the feminine wants to solve a

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problem yeah the feminine talks it out the family will talkto her girlfriends

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to um whoever it is they don't want want the solution butthey want to talk it out because they're looking for the

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connection they want to unpack it that's a form ofreflection that's a form of unpacking yeah the masculine will go to

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his cave and basically try to work it out himself yeah soagain very simple

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simplistic answer but that's the different energies in usand often the different energies in gender that's just

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the different ways we respond is that does that helpabsolutely it makes me think of my own situ a now for instance

Creating a Connected Culture – Bodhi emphasizes theimportance of intentional communication and empathy in building stronger teams.

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when there's a problem I want to just jump in and find a wayto fix it and how what my wife does bod is she doesn't

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want me to fix it what she wants is for me to to be thereand listen to her

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while she talks it through and and that helps her processand eventually move in a direction to to fix the the whatever

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the problem is exactly exactly that's the unpacking that'sthe process for the

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feminine energy inem us talk it through bounce it aroundunpack it feel it connect you know and you know such a

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simple distinction and as you say in in um primaryrelationships you know again

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such an important thing and such common feedback you knowworking with couples and and even in even in in business

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what's fascinating in business when we look at the masculineand feminine energy and I know a lot of women have have felt they have toaccess more

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masculine energy in in corporate in the workplace and when Ido work the teams

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and really start to unpack this you know it's fascinatinghow

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unconscious men are of their impact on the team particularlywith the women

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yeah they just literally don't know what they don't know andif there's no safe space for feedback yeah the feminine doesn't feel

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seen the feminine doesn't feel heard the feminine doesn'tfeel like they've got their own space their own real estate can you give anexample of what we're

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we're discussing right here an example is and again pleaseum these are huge generalizations for the

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listeners so yeah there's many exceptions to the rule and ina team meeting yep you'll notice in a team

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meeting it's a common occurrence is that you know um one ofthe women in their

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feminine yeah will come up with a suggestion and an idea itwill not be

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taken on yeah they will not feel seen and heard but by theend of the meeting one

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of the will claim that idea and they will be there will beaction on that idea yeah and again we'll put in the

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show notes the name of this book that was birth this ladywas a a leading scientist working in in Corporate

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America and basically did a whole presentation around asolution for a problem they were they were challenged

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with you know got got the the the claps and thank you forthe presentation the

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meeting went on at the end of the meeting the CEO claimedthe same idea and made it

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his yeah but that happen and men don't even realize so howcan women stay in

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their feminine while leveraging some of these masculinetraits I guess you would say in a particular situation like this

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yeah great question and you know when I work with women inbusiness so the the key thing to know is again most people

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yeah uh most men are more in their masculine energy and mostwomen are more in their feminine energy

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and what happens is that when you realize that there's adifference between your feminine energy which is

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all about flow which is all about connection which is allabout movement yep to the feminine and

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masculine traits so if we think of the masculine traits themasculine traits is all about linear thinking it's all about

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strategy it's a very different relationship to space timespreadsheets those sorts of things analysis they're

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all the masculine traits it's not mascul energy yeah the

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feminine yeah the feminine deals with complexity thefeminine deals with collaboration the feminine deals with

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being able to hold multiple agendas so these traits so ifyou're a woman in Corporate America yeah if you can hold

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your feminine energy and absolutely access your strategicthinking access

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your an analytical thinking yeah these are these aresuperpowers that we all have but you don't have to become more

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masculine in your your energy and it's the same for men youknow as we see more collaboration you

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know one of the conferences I ran recently in Paris wasaround the future of male leadership one of the biggest thing for

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male leadership is how do we truly collaborate as menbecause men often oper operate in silos operate in linear

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and collaboration is a feminine trait and any father likeyourself who has

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children you know when you can lean into your femininetracks yeah that connection that empathy compassion for

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your children yeah but you still stand in your masculineenergy and that's a practice it's

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actually easier than people think we just haven't beentaught it there's some simple processes where people can access

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their inherent energy and the traits they need to navigatetheir role

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whatever they may be so people are probably listening tobody right now and they're saying hey this sounds great but

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also it either could come across as weakness and some andbod don't know how

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to be vulnerable in the sense to to tap into their uhfeminine traits more to

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take advantage of it what advice do you have for them andyou know as we know vulnerability you know has got many many

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different interpretation what sit behind vulnerability isauthenticity yeah and what s behind

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authenticity yeah is being true to yourself yeah beinghonest with yourself

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so you know any I did a podcast recently about why men don'tdo the

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work yeah and one of the biggest reasons why men don't dothe work is they kind of don't want to be honest with

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themselves yeah they don't really want to sit there and goyou know what this isn't working for me you know what I

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wish I knew a different way yeah and so if you want to leaninto this work yeah

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one of the first steps find some nature go for a walk yeahand just start

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connecting with yourself and start being honest withyourself is the current Paradigm you're working in working you

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know for your career for your family for your children andand once you once you

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know change comes from inspiration or desperationregrettably a lot of people

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get brought to their knees before they change whether it'sHealth whether it's relationship those sorts of things I I

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want to inspire people why do you think men have a moredifficult time being honest with themselves well again you

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know remember the feminine energy is about connectionconnection and love connection and love so the feminine

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energy immat wants to connect yep the masculine energy thedver of the

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masculine energy is freedom so what we had thinkunconsciously is that freedom is about

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sitting on the mountain top freedom is about going to Indiato an astram we think freedom is outside of

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ourselves yeah and so we're searching for this Freedom yeahbut we're looking

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at it outside ourselves and and then most men would say Iget a great sense

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of Freedom when I'm on my own in nature you know and so ifthat's the

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inate driver um it's empathetic then for men to go okay I've

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got to really be willing to lean in and be honest withmyself if you couple that

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with the cultural narrative around men as you know you knowlittle boys don't cry you got a man up you you don't be

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vulnerable it's weakness you think about everything we gothrough at school and college about bullying about isolation

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all of these things influence yep most people live their

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lives Daman yeah based on fear and this paradigm shift thatwe're

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seeing globally is how can I live a life of really lovingmyself instead of fear

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yeah fear around my role fear around you know the my careerfear around my

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mortgage the fundamental fear that drives every human beingI met is I'm not good enough and do you think some of

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that comes from as I sit here listening to you is what uhmen consider as Role

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Models when it comes to leadership yeah if you look at theway we learn yeah and particularly as

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men um you know with whom you mix so show your B so if youthink of you know

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and again I know a lot of your listeners are in the us thinkabout the trajectory for middle class upper middle class Us

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boy yeah it's it's very stereotypical yep that you knowthey're

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going to go to school that sport is valued a lot more overcreativity art

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Music These are generalizations yeah if you're not the alphaif you're not good at sport you're already becoming

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marginalized yeah then we've got the academic performancewhich will take you in different strands and then if you

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join an organization the the leadership Paradigm is you gohard you don't show weakness

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yet basically it's all about competition not collaborationyeah it's all about get

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ahead as fast as you can yeah and same with VCS andentrepreneurs you know

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working with a lot of Founders you know the VC pressure theprivate Equity pressure is huge it's like guys you know

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I've got some senior guys who get so much pressure when theygo I want to make sure the team's

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happy the message is don't worry if they're happy just getthem to perform so that's the leadership model

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and what I'm noticing though and I've interested how whereit lands for you is you know men your age and a little bit

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younger are going I want it to be different yeah no one toldme it could be different and the men I work with are

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going is there a different way and I know there is is adifferent way I've got hundred and hundred of men globally

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leading differently in organizations Founders those thingsit's just that willingness to ship the parad step out

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of the compass zone I think for me bod I see it um on bothsides uh as far as the

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network of friends that I have some of them are very harddrivers you know like

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they they're they're extremely type A personalitiesincredibly compe

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and they and they want to work 60 70 hours a week and on theother side of the fence you have uh men similar to

32:07

what you're speaking about who want to get build deeperconnection with their

32:12

wives and their families and and be there for their team umand so I I think

32:17

that there's a a healthy mix or maybe not a healthy mix butthere's a big mix out there still but I think it's and I'm

32:24

curious I'm curious to see what you think about this I thinkit's definitely been shifting over the past 30 years

32:30

would you say that it's more people are more open to movingin this direction of

32:36

um less burnout not having to be hard drivers than you wouldsay when we got

32:42

started say 30 years ago yeah the biggest thing that'sstruggling to shift are the systems from within which we

32:49

work yeah and again you know working with CEOs and leadersif if we are

32:56

willing to ship the system when I say system theorganizational structure yeah

33:01

of a corporate or the expectations of a BC so I agreeindividuals are going I

33:09

want it to be different individuals are starting to lean insome of them are leaving those systems because it's very

33:17

difficult in those systems yet my encouragement andinspiration you know

Final Thoughts on Mindful Leadership – Damon and Bodhi wrapup with a call to action for leaders to prioritize emotional intelligence andauthenticity.

33:22

to your generation is you know so many people like yourselfand certainly

33:28

working globally so many guys in the late 40s are goingwe're actually going to be the

33:33

leaders very soon you know the guy 60 plus is stepping downand the real opportunity and

33:41

challenge is can we be the head of an organization andcreate different

33:48

systems because the organizational structure if we go backto the masculine and feminine if you think about any

33:54

typical or chart and I'm I'm kind of describing a pyramidhere for those who are listening yet the organizational

34:01

charts for most organizations were actually designed for waryeah it's about a general manager

34:10

it's about a CEO it's a topown model somebody's got to be incharge yeah and

34:17

that's very masculine and it's also very easily distortedyet through power and

34:26

influence and so what we're seeing is that the feminineenergy in

34:31

organizational structur sits in circle you know there aremore and more co- CEOs which it come and you know that

34:37

comes with its own challenges it's more about collaborationit's more about leadership team it's more about decision

34:43

making you know everybody has a voice and so my sense isthat as more

34:50

leaders yeah particularly men want it to be different ifthey're willing to

34:55

really challenge the structures of organizations yeah then Ireally am

35:01

hopeful that we can find this elusive work life balance thisflow these deep

35:07

connections change the Paradigm of leadership change theParadigm of structures and there's plenty of

35:13

evidence out there yeah where this is happening it's stillin the minority for

35:18

sure well the command and control style of leadershipstudies show B it just

35:23

doesn't work anymore yet if you look at it when I had stepenMr cvy on on our

35:29

show he said 80% of organizations for one reason or anotherstill have a

35:34

command and control type of leadership maybe they just don'tknow how to get out of it but what I hear you saying is

35:40

that hopefully as you know some of the leaders maybe retireand move on that

35:46

the younger individuals in their 30s and 40s who arestepping up into leadership roles can make that shift exactly and

35:54

again you know when I was in London recently I ran a a workworkshop for CEOs around the masculine and feminine

36:00

energy in business and it was eye openening for the men likeany listener

36:06

who's in a influential role and if you really want to learnmore about the way

36:12

the masculine feminine energy operates in your business yeahnot just in gender

36:17

yeah but also in your business and in your structures yeahit is a game Cher

36:22

and it's an area that we're Scared To Tread because there'sso much fear around gender around diversity around

36:29

equality around gender fluidity that I believe it's it isone

36:34

of the next Frontiers in organizations is let's have an openconversation about the masculine

36:41

and feminine energy how it works in our organization let'stake gender out of it

36:46

let's take um a lot of those fears out of it yeah and it itreally is for me

36:54

it's so exciting when I get leadership teams who are willingto have this conversation because it's just the eye

37:00

opening remember we don't know what we don't know so manyyoung white men have

37:05

no idea the unconscious bias is huge as to the experience ofpeople of diversity

37:11

women those sorts of things before you can look at it as faras from an organization where the energy is

37:17

masculine or feminine how does somebody start Inward andidentify where they're really at on the Spectrum when it comes

37:23

to their energies yeah and I think it it does come back toto that um the willingness to put a little bit of time

37:30

aside to start reflecting and you know the journey typicallyif you think about and perhaps for yourself and your peer

37:36

group and I'm going to I'm going to talk about men who arepredominantly in their masculine energy and so we know that um

37:45

a lot of men uh typically will lean into health and fitnessas a way

37:52

to move their energy you know whether it's um triathlonswhether it's going to

37:57

the gym action you know that action sort of um and it hasits place it it can

38:04

help slow the Mind down you can help you you feel betterobviously there's a lot of physical benefit and anybody in that

38:11

space what I would say to you is that if you can again carve

38:17

out some time to instead of being action being

38:22

stilled you there's plenty of information now that youcaness

38:28

around the masculine feminine energy um around starting tounderstand how you

38:33

operate you know one of the biggest things and you knowhaving worked with leadership teams around the globe and

38:39

whether it's in your leadership team or in your umrelationships at home one of

38:45

the keys is how do we create safe and honest

38:50

feedback you know give it to give it to me in the heartdon't give it to me in the back you know the most successful

38:57

team this whole conversation I know you've had guests talkabout psychological safety emotional safety

39:03

yeah which all comes from vulnerability it all comes fromthe ability y to give

39:08

honest feedback the only way you perform again if you lookat a sporting team yeah the only way a sporting team's

39:14

going to perform is if there's some way of getting feedbackif you keep dropping the ball

39:20

I'm not going to pass it to you anymore yeah but inorganizations it's not easy and so what I'd say to answer

39:26

your question if you're a man is get some feedback get somefeedback get some feedback almost sa feedback from your

39:32

wife from your team from your men from your friends you knowlike be willing to hear

39:38

the feedback about how you presen in the world in order tocreate psychological safety you believe that compassion has a

39:44

lot to do with it right and you know that that vulnerabilitywith yeah yeah if you think about it so the the the

39:51

four pillars for the future of my leadership you know one isconnection

39:57

yep one is collaboration one is compassion and the other iscuriosity y so if we just if we just

40:04

unpack that a little bit again think about any leader thatyou know and this isn't this isn't just for male

40:09

leadership but I think it's important for male leaders ifyou meet a leader who's connected connected with himself

40:15

connected with you who's genuinely willing to collaboratewho who's parking his agenda

40:22

when it all costs my idea and has compassion

40:28

and we'll talk more compassion for self compassion for otherY and a genuine

40:33

curiosity curiosity new a curiosity and the problem thechallenge how would that

40:39

later be Diamond if you worked with that later I tend tofind that the best

40:44

leaders are very curious and when they are very curiousBodie people feel heard

40:50

and they feel respected and actually really listened toexactly backto back connection you know good lead create

40:58

leaders yeah and so the compassion piece which you asked ifyou think of the journey yet to reconnecting itself one

41:06

of the first entry points is the ability for self-acceptance

41:11

you know and obviously in personal development SpiritualDevelopment we hear a lot about loving

41:18

yourself yeah and all of these had slightly differentfrequencies and so if you really did five minute reflection

41:25

and go do I accept my myself unconditionally yeah and thisisn't about you know not correcting behavior

41:31

that might be inappropriate you know accepting inappropriatebehavior but can I accept that I'm doing the best I can

41:38

yeah that I am valuable and lovable just as I am once youstart doing that you start to experience a little bit more

41:45

self-love and from there you start to experience morecompassion for yourself yeah and obviously the Buddhist

41:53

work is is you know a centerpiece for compassion heartsented compassion once

41:58

you start to have compassion for yourself you think aboutacceptance love and compassion you start to realize that

42:05

at the end of the day there's a part of you that is wholeand complete there's a part of you yeah that is love and you've

42:14

got children so when your children were born diam what didyou see what did you meet yep when you when you met your

42:20

children you look at your eyes L up it it was an experiencethat like like any

42:27

other it was it just blew me away and you just had this Rushof Joy but also

42:34

you feel a little bit scared if I'm going to be honest I'mlike how am I going to take care of keep them alive

42:40

support them I mean it's a huge responsibility um butthere's nothing better and often parents tell me when

42:47

they see the newborn they just see love they just seeinnocence they see

42:53

Perfection you know we don't look at a newborn and go bloodyhell you got to

42:59

be but I think I think that that's part of the part of thechallenge because

43:04

when kids are young when children are young buddy they'rethey're they're okay with making mistakes they're okay with

43:10

failing and that kind of gets beaten out of them as you getolder right you know I mean people stop taking chances they

43:16

stop getting out of their comfort zone because of the fearthat you mentioned earlier that is the number one thing out

43:22

there because people don't want to be embarrassed or theydon't want to feel feel bad or they get bullied and it's

43:27

such a shame that when you go back to being a child they'rewilling to try anything because they're not worried

43:33

about you know you see perfect but you know they're notworried about making mistakes and that innocence and love

43:38

that you see with a newborn is still within everybodythere's still a part of you

43:45

that your essence is love so how do you bring it backexactly this is the work I

43:50

teach yeah because to your point about the fear of makingmistakes and everything yeah the inner critic the not

43:59

good enough yeah is the biggest one you've got to startshifting limiting

44:04

belief limiting beliefs you know I've had clients say to meif I had a friend who came to lunch every day and spoke to

44:11

me the way I talked to myself i' never ask them back likewhen you start getting present

44:17

with yourself and noticing those thoughts 60,000 thoughts toa most of them are negative you realize I am just

44:23

brutal on myself yeah I'm not good enough not tall enoughnot smart enough not enough not what they wealthy enough

44:29

and and so to get back to that part of you it's actuallyquicker than you think

44:37

and then it just takes practice to retain it yeah but whatit means is you got to cut through the inner chat room

44:44

cut through the noise yeah and then come back to youressence come back to the part of you that is whole and

44:50

complete yeah and this is where a lot of personaldevelopment and self-help kind of got tricked up I think because a lot

44:57

of people you know me included think when I do this coursewhen I learn how

45:05

to meditate when I learn how to then I'll be whole andcomplete and it still puts it outside of

45:12

you I know people who are still doing personal developmentcourses waiting to be whole and complete and that never

45:19

comes a course when you realize that I am holding completethere's a part of me

45:25

that is love now and I want to grow and develop and Learn bydoing this course by doing this

45:31

leadership training or whatever it's a very different energyand it's one of the foundations of what I teach is let's come back to

45:38

the part of you that's whole and complete let's startbuilding that relationship now there's nothing to fix

45:43

there's nothing there's no problem yeah when you connectwith that

45:49

the rest is just about growth you know I often say you knowRoger Federer had a coach right until the end yeah wasn't

45:57

cuz he was you know stuffed up and had lots of problems it'scuz he wanted to keep getting

46:02

better and that's you know any of the listeners who arehesitant about reaching out for support you know

46:09

coaching support whatever it might be just realize the onlyway you can grow

46:14

and learn yet is to have somebody reflect back to you andsupport you and whatever

46:20

you want to grow in leadership training relationshiptraining personal training we get a a coach for our you know those

46:27

sorts of things but remember you're already whole andcomplete we've just made up this story

46:33

that we're not that we're not good enough that we're notenough that we're not lovable and not valuable you're never really complete inthe sense that

46:40

The Learning Journey never stops you know I I think thatthere's always more to learn and grow and evolve but on the

46:47

other hand what I hear you saying which I agree with is wegot to find ways to love ourselves and you know give

46:53

ourselves I like to say a lot of times try things out budand if you fail at

46:58

least give yourself a paddle on the back because you tried alot of people aren't willing to stick their neck out and even

47:04

take a chance yeah and you know when when you work withComfort zones you

47:09

know and again as we know when you get to the edge of acomfort zone yeah it gets

47:15

uncomfortable and the uncomfortable is typically theemotions and the predominant emotion is is

47:22

fear and fear f e a r stands for false

47:29

expectations appearing real yeah so we project all of these

47:36

expectations about what's going to happen if I step out ofmy comfort zone I'm G to fail I'm going to be criticized

47:41

I'm going to be not good enough yeah and then we justwithdraw in in my comfort

47:46

zone and now for men on the hero's journey yeah the hero'sjourney is slightly different than the Herman's

47:52

Journey the hero's journey is you've got to be leaning intoto that edge and it never stops

47:58

this is where we feel alive this is where we bring the bestversion of ourselves now it's not being

48:04

extreme with your comfort zone in flow States they talkabout

48:09

4% yeah about 4% leaning to 4% growth regularly but I agreeI see a lot of

48:16

people who just want to go back into their comfort zone backinto their habits yeah life becomes autopilot now I

48:23

know you do a lot of work with all this but what is onepiece of practical

48:30

advice that you give our listener that they could help takethat first step to get out of their comfort zone go to

48:37

Nature yeah and just spend a bit of time with yourself andthat will be

48:43

uncomfortable for a lot of people not not hard Adventure notyou know 50k hike

48:50

yeah just find somewhere where you can just spend a bit ofquality being time

48:55

with yourself what will occur again if you cultivate thisfirstly you'll start to notice the

49:03

inner critic yeah one of the first steps on the journey isthe

49:08

witnessing yeah once you notice the in a Critic you'll startto realize how hard you've been on yourself secondly you may

49:15

start to notice some feelings some emotions and remember myemotions aren't good or bad it's just energy and

49:22

motion you'll start to notice a bit of frustration you startto notice a bit of

49:27

here yeah and so just that in itself will take you out ofyour comfort zone

49:33

because again most people are on auto pilot as you say a lotof high Achievers don't take time to stop and

49:39

reflect and the other simple one you know for thoseobviously who can't you

49:44

know and when I say nature even the local park you knowsomewhere somewhere nearby the other simple one really is

49:51

like if if there's anywhere where you can find some quietspace you know before the kids get up or you know after

49:58

they go to bed and just sit you know sit with a cup of teasit with yourself and

50:04

just don't reach for the phone you know one of the greatthings you know that I think

50:11

it's Joe despenser talks about you want to train the mindtrain the body yeah and what he says is that just

50:18

it's like training a dog just teach your body to sit stillfor 5 minutes a day 10

50:24

minutes a day with no distraction no device yep and you justget just sick just

50:31

sitck any listener just do that for five minutes a day yourthinking mind will kick and Screen they'll have every

50:37

reason not to the truth is you have five minutes and if youjust train yourself to find somewhere in the house where you

50:45

can sit for five minutes without distractions y you willstart creating a

50:50

different relationship with yourself when you first getstarted though bod you have these thoughts that come in your mind and you startgetting busy

50:58

again but you got to find a way to push those thoughts outright if you want to just be able to sit yeah absolutely

51:04

anyone who's done a Meditation Retreat a lot of people itamplifies because you don't realize how busy that noise is

51:10

until you stop and I get some people go oh meditation is notfor me my mind's too busy it must be easier for other

51:17

people it's not easy for anybody yeah the thing with it youknow

51:22

it's like you go to the gym three times and think you're fityou know

51:29

like you got to persist you got to be consistent that's whyfive minutes a day just sitting still noticing those

51:35

thoughts and the key there is not to judge the thoughts notyou beat yourself up because you have the thoughts some

51:40

people think meditation is about not thinking yeah it's notthe case what happens is the gap between the thoughts

51:47

gets bigger yeah as you slow it down it's a little bit likeif you were going to if

51:53

you were going to slow a fast train down yeah you don't jumpin front of it and go

51:59

stop yeah you slow it down yeah so your thinking m is like afast train don't go

52:05

don't think you got to go cold turkey yeah it's like justslow it down

52:11

and as those thoughts are rise you know there are many greatapps now but you know one of the simple things if you

52:17

think of them like clouds in the sky they will come and theywill go

52:22

thoughts inherently aren't real they're just energeticconstruct there's nothing real about

52:29

thought it's this energetic construct that arises what youdo with it is your choice yeah that's why in traditional

52:36

cultures you know Zen Buddhism all they do is they come backto your breath yeah notice the thought like a

52:42

cloud Let It Go come back to your bre come back to yournostrils come back to your breath simple wavs to start to ma

52:49

master your attention yeah and you'll start to slow thosethat train down you start

52:56

experience the gap between the thoughts a little bit and alot of my clients say

53:02

you know because it's quite subtle when you start what theysay is that I didn't

53:09

realize how beneficial it was until I stopped for a coupleof days and went

53:14

back to the old me yeah and so anybody who's interested ifyou just do a little bit each day you

53:22

it's not a profound enlightened experience necessarily butif you build on it yet if you take a day or two off

53:29

you'll notice I'm Rader I'm more distracted I'm moreirritable by reacting more yeah because you haven't

53:35

developed that inner calm and the difference for thelisteners mindfulness is a great entry point and I highly

53:42

recommend there's lots of great mindfulness practicesteachers apps the difference between mindfulness

53:49

and embodied presence is that mindfulness yet you start towitness the

53:55

thoughts and some of the practices are a bit Transcendentthey kind of take you away from your

54:00

body and but I encourage any of the listeners once you startthis is learn

54:06

how to be embodied and present yeah and you can connect with

54:11

yourself self leadership you can create the relational fieldthere's a thing

54:16

called entrainment you know um any of the musicians outthere what happens energetically if you think about a drum

54:22

circle if somebody stops drumming and then everybody startsto get into the same

54:28

Rhythm that's entrainment the frequency and vibration startsto entrain and

54:33

that's what happens with leadership that's what happens withyour children if your children's really sted and upset

54:40

and having a tantrum if you're grounded and present therelational feel calms them down it starts to settle them down

54:49

the studies are clear it doesn't matter what modality you doin your leadership

54:54

your healing yeah whether it's breath work whether it'smeditation whether it's yoga whether it's leadership

55:01

development the key one denominator that changes at all isthe quality of the

55:07

relational field that the teacher or the facilitator createsyou know if they're present and

55:15

create a safe relational field that's where the healingoccurs that's where the leadership Earth occurs that's

55:21

entrainment that's where the frequency and vibration startsto align what is an

55:26

example of massive change that you've seen in somebodyyou've worked with

55:32

doesn't matter who it is but just in general that somebodystarted with you they were you know busy maybe they

55:38

weren't present fast forward let's say six months to a yearwhat's been some of the massive change you've seen yeah I

55:45

mean there's there's many many examples I would say thatagain the three pillars

55:52

that I teach um particularly for Maine is

55:58

presence purpose and passion for

56:03

life and so when I work one onone when I work in group with

56:09

leaders the transformational word that I've seen is so manyleaders say I am so

56:16

much more present with my children I'm so much more presentwith my beloved I'm

56:22

so much more present with my team yeah I've set boundariesI'm not is distracted the other is I'm absolutely

56:29

clear on my purpose yeah and when a man's clear on hispurpose a man without purpose like a

56:35

boat without a rud yeah when you're clear and reallyunderstand what purpose

56:40

is yeah and then passion is passion for life yeah the bigthing what I say is

56:47

it's not about doing what brings you Joy it's about bringingjoy to what you do you know you can cultivate Joy when

56:55

you're running a business there's some things that aren'tyour superpower bring joy to it when you're playing with your children I hadone client to answer your

57:01

question he he used to find the weekends really challengingbecause he felt he had all these chores to do and then he

57:08

had to organize the kids and just after two sessions hetransformed it and

57:14

realized he got to bring joy to his weekends he said I'venever been closer to my daughter I love Saturdays now we

57:21

have so much fun together I take it a sport we do stufftogether just that ship di is a game changer that is a game

57:29

changer yeah so bod you've got children you got grandchildI've got young kids

57:36

with the work you're doing and the work that I'm trying todo at learnet what are you hoping the world's going to look

57:42

like in a decade or so when it comes to leadership yeah Ifeel again if we follow some of the threads we've spoken

57:49

about I feel and there's you know the bort movement which isyou know the big in Europe and also in the US

57:56

yet is very much about people Planet profit so if we reallystart to change

58:02

the Paradigm and put people first yeah and you knowobviously the

58:08

planet is interrelated with that we're not separate from theplanet yeah you know my hope my dream

58:15

what I'm observing is that if we really come together in acollaborative space

58:21

in organizations in systems Y and really realize that all ofus from fundamentally want the same thing yeah

58:28

and if we change the model to putting people first puttingour people first giving people a sense of autonomy

58:34

trusting people making sure systemically we're doing what'sappropriate the

58:39

impact on the planet the impact on the community you knowthe profits the bar pit the profits an

58:46

outcome yeah and it does take collaboration it does takecourage yeah

58:52

it does take commitment yet I feel innate in so many peopleis we know the

58:58

current model just isn't sustainable wonderful bod I mean wehad such a wonderful conversation we talked about

59:04

everything about the importance of being present uhconnection and Direction and

59:09

how you got to start with yourself whether it'sself-compassion or connection and how the way things are

59:15

today leadership wise especially is just not sustainable andthe shift that we have to make so thank you so much for

59:22

sharing all your wisdom with us where can we connect withyou out online yeah

59:27

if uh you know the website www.bd.com um there's also my own

59:33

podcast called true Freedom it's on all the podcast apps andplease have a look at that I've I've done um three series

59:40

now it covers a lot of these topics um and if anyone wantsto reach out um you

59:45

know feel free contact you um it's it may sound difficult itmay sound

59:52

overwhelming yet please know it is simpler than you thinkthink You' just got to step out of that compens sign you

59:58

just got to make a mood we're going to put a lot of this inthe show notes I want to double down on what you said uh I went through yourpodcast your I think

1:00:06

this latest season has about nine or 10 lessons it's superinvaluable so listeners please check that out do me a

1:00:13

favor rate and review the show and I really want you tothink about somebody

1:00:19

that's super busy and maybe distracted and text them thisepisode CU I know

1:00:24

they'll get value out of it and until next time everybodyplease stay curious and keep learning have a great day again

1:00:31

it's starting with that what's in it for them likeunderstanding you know if that person is a a numbers person right you

1:00:39

know if they're head head all about you know profitability

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